In this first week of lent I went to daily mass and increased my devotion to the Rosary. It has been over a year since I have been able to accomplish this. Saturday I replaced mass with private morning prayer (Liturgy of the Hours) because I didn't want to disturb the quiet morning for the family. I even had a prayer time Wednesday evening, even with procrastination, I managed an hour with a nice relaxed Rosary, using the evening Psalm for meditations.

I wish I could truly "die to myself," to accept with peace the situations in which I find myself and to walk with the joy of the Lord in my heart. But I am overcome in my broken humanity. With the stress of launching a new website cutting into my regular 9-5 job and my family time, and the constant distraction of personal and family conflict, I find myself growing angrier every day. Though I pray every day to be able to increase the love and compassion in my heart, and for the courage to speak the truth, I find only greater burdens on my heart. The guilt I feel for not serving my family better only adds to that burden.

So the first week of lent draws to a close. With my heart resigned to my broken state, and deadlines looming at work, I experience a reprieve from my anger. The little peace I feel only covers the shadows of great sadness and conflict in my heart and in my soul and the frustration at being so powerless to love in truth and with courage.